With another part of the assignment comes a rarity from me: a host segment...sort of. I'm not the proudest of it since I had to resort to lots of dialogue due to the fact that the riffers were all supposed to have been implied to be offscreen and therefore nobody could "see" the action while the story kept running without them, but it was a convenient way to bypass the story.
You also may have noticed by now-no more LJ cuts! Because the LJ format has found a way to mess those up, too.
Rated R for strong adult language, sex, violence and blood content.
Saria: And one extremely graphic mooning.
AGAIN AS A FINAL WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS HEAVY SEX,
Zelda: Intercourse between Gorons heavy!
Link: Making love in Iron Boots heavy!
ABULT LANGUAGE AND
Saria: Erratic spelling.
TALKS ABOUT MY PERSONAL ENCOUNTER WITH LINK. THIS STORY IS BASED ON DREAMS, DREAMS ABOUT MY LIFE WITH HIM.
Navi: (as Link's Queen) That's MY story, and I'm sticking TO it!
IF YOU FIND THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY TO BE OFFENSEVE, QUEER, OR
Link and Saria: *not in unison, just saying it at the same time* Hey! You stole our joke!
PLAIN OUT OFF THE WALL, THEN DO NOT READ ON!!!!!!!
Navi: TOO LOUD!
Saria: MY EARS!
I HAVE GOTTEN WAY TO MANY FLAMES ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY WHEN I HAVE PLACED SEVERAL WARNINGS!!!!
Link: *annoyed* The yelling and screaming might be a cause!
I WILL NOT ACCECPT ANY MORE FLAMES, RAMBLINGS, CUSSING OR EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT ABOUT THE CHAR JENNA,
Zelda: Is she three times faster than the regular Jenna, or am I assuming things?
OR REVIEWS ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY, EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT, VICIOUS ATTACKS AGAINST MY PERSONALITY,
Saria: Really? Because her whole personality so far has been *screechy* "ME ME ME MINE LINK DREAMS MINE ME ME ME ME! 'CUZ I'M SPECIAL!"
Link: It's okay, Saria, she's got…uhh…eighteen chapters to improve.
OR NON-MATURE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM!!!
Navi: Critisim! The ultimate criticism simulator.
Saria: What on Hyrule would "non-mature constructive criticism" sound like?
Link: (imitating a reviewer) *childish* Hey stupid-head! Your story sucks dookie poo-poo! *suddenly using his normal voice* But I liked the symbolism and I thought the latest chapter wherein we developed some of your lesser-used characters was a very nice change of pace. Do more of that and it'll be a great read. *suddenly childish again* But you stink! *wet raspberry*
ANY REVIEWS SUBMITTED THAT DO NOT FOLLOW THE ABOUVE GUIDLINES, WILL BE DELETED IMMEDIATELY!
Saria: (as Ganondorf) I will banish them to the gap between dimensions!
THESE WARNINGS ARE NOT THERE TO LOOK PRETTY,
Navi: (as Link's Queen) IN FACT, THEY'RE UGLIER THAN A DROWNED DEKU SCRUB!
THE AUTHORS PLACE WARNINGS FOR A REASON!!! IT IS TO TELL YOU
Saria: That this story may be hazardous to your health!
Link: To always buckle up before reading!
Zelda: That the situations we are about to witness are performed by trained, supervised professionals in controlled environments and should not be tried at home!
Navi: Too technical.
WHAT THE CONTENT OF THE STORY IS SO THAT IF THE READER FINDS THE CONTENT OF THE STORY OFFENSIVE, THEY WILL NOT READ ON!!!
Zelda: Indeed, madam, but those who don't learn from history…
MANY AUTHORS HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT UNWANTED, EXCESSIVE, VIOLENT AND JUST PLAIN NASTY REVIEWS THAT HAVE BEEN SUBMITTED BY READERS ABOUT THEIR STORIES,
Navi: Yes, but YOU didn't write those stories!
CAUSING FANFICTION TO GRANT AUTHORS THE ABILITY TO DELETE UNWANTED REVIEWS AND BLOCK CERTAIN READERS!!
Saria: Whoa. Fanfiction itself grants the power to delete troublesome reviews and block their writers? I'd better start writing some!
I WILL SAY THIS FOR MYSELF AND FOR ALL AUTHORS ON FANFICTION.
Navi: Because a petulant, whiny author peddling self-insert wish fulfillment is the perfect representative for thousands upon thousands of amateur authors.
NO AUTHOR TWISTS YOUR ARM OR HOLDS YOU AT GUN POINT
Link: …well…maybe if they're house burglars…
OR FORCES YOU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM TO READ THEIR STORIES!!
Saria: *gruffly* This is a ficjacking! Land this fanfiction in Kokiri Forest!
ALL READERS HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO READ A CERTAIN STORY!!!
Zelda: They also have the right to read it, so put that in your bottle and drink it.
Navi: Well if her goal is to drive off potential readers she's doing a good job!
IT IS YOUR RESOPONSIBILITY TO READ THE WARNINGS AND DECIDE FOR YOUSELF IF THE CONTENT OF THE STORY IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU, AND TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO READ ON OR NOT!!!
Link: We'd leave, but morbid fascination's kicking in.
AND IT ALSO IS THE READERS RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY ON HOW THEY HANDLE THENSELVES WHEN LEAVING A REVIEW FOR AN AUTHOR!!
Navi: Because leaving a wall of entirely-capitalized complaining is so much better.
LEAVING A REVIEW THAT IS VIOLENT IN NATURE ONLY MAKES YOU THE READER LOOK BAD, AND IS VERY IMMATURE.
Navi: *unsure* …a-again. Puerile whining. Lesser of two evils?
IF ALL US HERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ADULTS, WELL THEN, LETS
Link: All be over the age of 18!
Saria: Alright, stop that. Even I think that's getting old!
CONDUCTIVE OURSELVES LIKE ADULTS AND NOT LIKE LITTLE KIDS!
Navi: As opposed to insulating themselves…
Link: Would've come in handy inside Lord Jabu-Jabu…
Saria: Good, most of the Kokiri I know would've punched me if I told them to read this story.
I ONLY EXPECT THE VIOLENT LASHING OUT AND VICIOUS ATTACKS TO COME FROM TEENANGERS, NOT ADULTS!
Zelda: (as Link's Queen) Not small children, not infants, and CERTAINLY not the elderly!
IF YOU PEOPLE REALLY ARE ADULTS THAT ARE CONDUCTING YOURSELVES IN THE MANORS I DECRIBED ABOVE,
Link: So all people have mansions and large plots of land when they grow up? Wow! It's awesome being a grown-up!
YOU PEOPLE REALLY ARE SCARING ME!
Zelda: (as Link's Queen) *entirely hammy* HOW DARE YOU rightfully complain about having your time wasted and the overall quality of your fanfiction website surfing experience ruined!
IT’S A DAMN SHAME TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE ADULTS OUT THERE WHO CANNOT CONDUCTIVE THEMSELVES
Link: What is it with this woman and transmitting electricity through children?!
IN THE SIMPLEST MANORS THEIR PARENTS HAVE TAUGHT THEM!
Saria: Except for "don't overreact," apparently.
Link: "Don't shout?"
Zelda: "Don't complain about everything?"
Saria: …you know, when the eternal child has issues with your childish demeanor it may be time to hand in your quill!
Link: You're a Kokiri! You're ageless!
ALSO LEAVING MALICIOUS REVIEWS IS ALSO A SIGN OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
Zelda: So's leaving this wholly unwarranted rant because that's far more mature!
Navi: I can't believe I WANT to get to the trash after THIS trash now!
IF ALL YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW DO IS ATTACK SOMEONE VICIOUSLY, IT’S A SIGN
Link: That you may really be a Wolfos!
OF SELFISHNESS AND NO RESPECT FOR ONES-SELF!
Navi: The fiends! How dare they warn the author she's making a fool of herself!
I SUGGEST TO ALL READERS WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT LEAVING A MALICIOUS REVIEW FOR ME, PLEASE GET A HOBBY
Saria: Something less painful, probably, like hand-feeding piranhas.
AND LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER,
Zelda: Make it sit up, beg, shake and roll over!
BECAUSE YOUR ONLY HURTING YOURSELF, NOT ME!
Link: I know reading this stuff makes people bash their heads against their desks, but doing that AND reviewing all at once?
ALSO LEAVING A NASTY REVIEW ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID, NOT ME!
Navi: So does…so does…oh, never mind. It's not like she can hear me.
Link: I would've actually thought your voice, out of any others, could carry when unwarranted.
Navi: Why thank you, Li-HEY!
I FIND IT VERY RIDICULOUS THAT I HAD TO LEAVE A WARNING THIS LONG, BUT IT IS BECAUSE
Saria: (as Link's Queen) I have a severe case of logorrhea.
Zelda: (following Saria's lead) I like seeing myself write. "…I like hearing myself talk" doesn't translate very well into the written medium…
OF THE VERY IMMATURE READERS THAT HAVE SUBMITTED NASTY CHILDISH REVIEWS!
Zelda: There's only so many times you can hear "You're a doodiehead" before just breaking down.
AGAIN, PLEASE READ THE ABOVE CONTEXT BEFORE READING ON!!!!
Link: *rubbing his temples* Right, okay, yes, I get it, can we please…move…on-
Link: *pulling his hair* OH COME ON!
I have realized that this story needs some heavy grammar corrections, and that the plot needs some work.
Zelda: (as Link's Queen) I thought that meant the plot I grow string beans in, but I realized that too late.
Also under the advisement of my friend who had just recently completed two literature classes, has stated the reasons why people had classified Jenna as a “Mary Sue” char
Link: Yeah, well, you don't have to be a rancher to know the milk's gone bad! …Malon taught me that one.
and labeled her as “flat”.
Navi: (as Link's Queen) *uppity* She is NOT! She has a VERY big chest as a matter of fact!
She has come to the conclusion that most people do not know or understand Jenna’s history, so she has advised me to create an origin story to explain about her history before she met Link.
Saria: It's an accompanying 71-page text called "Jenna, A History."
Link: Let me guess, it all starts when she is thrust from her exploding home planet…
That way she will become more rounded and give people a reason to care about her.
Navi: Or to throw her off the bridge to Gerudo Valley…
It was never in my intentions to create Jenna as a “Mary Sue” char or to make her conceited,
Navi: (as Link's Queen) The tiny people living in my hair told me to!
because I’m not really like that.
Saria: Oh, yeah. She's been so modest up until now.
Jenna is a persona char, one that resembles my personality while this story is being told from her perspective.
Zelda: Oh, no, most of the chapters are going to just be her screaming at random passerby for the most trivial of slights.
This story is not something that I pulled out of my head like my drawings, it came from my dreams.
Saria: *skeptical* So it wasn't pulled from her head, but it was still pulled from her head.
Link: Oh, I'LL tell you where she pulled this stupid pre-story screechfest out of…
Saria: Link, no.
Link: It's becoming very, very hard to keep myself under control! I'm trying as hard as I can!
Saria: Then stop trying and start doing!
So I understand that revising this story is going to be hard work and will take time.
Navi: And if Jenna was less like Link's Queen, it wouldn't be wish fulfillment anymore.
Since this story is being told in the exact, or close to exact order it happened in the dreams,
Navi: Including that part where she falls through the whole entire sky before waking up…
changing how fast Link and Jenna marry isn’t going to be easy.
Navi: Why, would it actively protest?
Saria: The story's become sentient!
Zelda: *panicking* DEMON STORY! KILL IT! KILL IT! LIGHT ARROWS! *grabs all over Link before finally finding his Fairy Bow*
Link: *trying to fight Zelda off* Hey! HEY! Let go of the bow! Stop it! Those arrows are sharp! You're going to stab us both!
Even changing how fast they have sex
Zelda: *after finally wrenching the Fairy Bow from Link, but no arrows* Mostly by caffeinating Link before intercourse.
Saria: You know, I've seen Link on a sugar rush before. All he does is bounce around, though.
Link: C-cut that out! You're embarrassing me!
and revising the Lemon parts also won’t be so easy to do.
Zelda: (as Link's Queen) I know I need something to *clearing her throat* occupy myself with when I write…*Saria pinches her nose* AAARNGH! *Zelda ineffectually thwaps Saria on the head with the Fairy Bow multiple times*
Saria: OW! OW! You're supposed to be the PRINCESS! Don't you have any standards?!
Zelda: *her voice nasal due to her melee with Saria* Not when I've got my name to defend!
But I’m currently in the process of revising this story, also I have received a college grammar book from my friend and I will be investing in a Beta-Reader.
Navi: Hopefully that involves payment in gold bullion.
I’m also considering taking to literature classes at JC to help boost my writing skills. But now I say this, if you people, the reviewers really have the intentions to help me, them please do it positively and like a mature adult.
Link: (as Link's Queen) You know, commit me.
I’m telling you that it is a proven fact that negative motivation NEVER motivates someone to change.
Zelda: What if we reworded that motivation, not so much "give up" as "find something you're actually good at?"
It never has and it never will.
Saria: Hasn't stopped some people from doing anything…
I’m pretty sure your parents have taught you that people only respond to positive motivation and not negative.
Link: Oh, yeah, I know that! It's why I put my hand on the stove all the time.
Zelda: Ah, that's…no, what?
Link: The pain of burning your hand on the stove is a negative reaction. People don't respond to that.
Zelda: I hope that's just the story's logic and not yours.
I’m not close-minded, I NEVER have been.
Saria: (as Link's Queen) Except for the part where I'm always right!
I have always been open to other people’s thoughts and opinions, its when its done in an inappropriate manner that I turn my nose at it and look away.
Navi: (as Link's Queen) So if anyone tells me I'm making a mistake, they're wrong!
People have to understand that when you’re an adult, you need to conduct yourself like one and learn how to address other people like one.
Link: Okay, so instead of "shut up," we'll tell you to "PLEASE shut up."
You cannot just act childish when you come across something that you DO NOT approve of, you’re only making yourself look bad and that can affect you later on in life.
Zelda: You know, because it's bad to call others poo-poo dookie-heads.
Acting childish and ranting and raving is something I’d expect a little kid would do when he doesn’t get his way.
Navi: Oh, hi, Pot! I'm Kettle!
When an adult acts childish over stupid things, that’s looked down upon, and considered to be unhealthy.
Zelda: Alright, now we're all running out of hypocrisy jokes!
I have seen far too many reviews left for me where the reviewers are just ranting and raving like little kids over this story because they do not like it. It is only making them look stupid and is very unhealthy.
Saria: Oh, come on! Now she's just BEGGING for us to start recycling our commentary!
I fear that these people have some serious emotional problems if they get that upset over a story.
Link: Yes, because a bald-faced insult isn't something to address.
People in control of their emotions and have also obtained some sort of common sense, NEVER let little things get them all riled up.
Zelda: …okay! You know what? I don't have to see all of this. I'm just going to go and look for something in the Meadow to occupy my time with! Tell me when the story actually can be bothered to get to, you know, the story! *with that, Zelda stands up and storms off*
Saria: …well, I guess it's just you, me, and Navi now, Link…
It is very sad when one that is supposed to be an adult, cannot handle them like one. I was NEVER angry with the reviewers not liking the story, it’s how they handled themselves when leaving me the reviews.
*Saria yawns, Link sticks a finger in his ear, trying to clean it*
Getting riled up, ranting and raving, screaming and spitting nails over this story is what has caused me to get upset, not the fact that they didn’t like it.
Saria: …so, what do you think Zelda's doing?
Link: Walking around, I think. I'd know if something was wrong. Well really, Navi would know. She's got a sixth sense about these things.
Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story.
Navi: Well it's 150 pages thick, you could injure somebody by whacking them with it…
Link: Think about all the paper cuts!
I got one reviewer that said. “Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone.” Now I want to know where I physically touched that person.
Saria: Why, when they thought about her. Or…um…I think I've got that wrong. Hang on…
I want to know how I’m twisting anyone’s arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or form
Saria: Except to their creative intelligences…
and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that! If you’re emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine.
Link: (as Link's Queen) It's YOUR fault for caring about Legend of Zelda, having an opinion and having it differ from MINE! I'M THE GOD!
Saria: Link, she's a girl.
Link: GODDESS! GOD! I…I…I'm trying to make the joke work here!
I’m sorry if it did, but I have placed several warnings describing the content of this story
All: How could we MISS it?!
and if you know what it contains and you do not like this type of material, then why are you reading it?
Navi: Morbid curiosity?
I do not appreciate getting accused for other people’s actions. It is your choice as the reader to read the content of this story and it is not my fault if it upsets you when you knew from the gecko what it contained.
Saria: *tearful* The gecko didn't warn us! The gecko LIED! *grabs Link's shoulder and sobs into it*
So please DO NOT flame me about it.
I also feel like a schoolteacher teaching a bunch of little kids.
Saria: Think about how your reviewers felt with you so unrespsonsive!
And I find that this really wasn’t necessary and shouldn’t have had to come to this, but it is very hard when your reviewers have forgotten how to conduct themselves like adults.
Navi: *suddenly perking up* I just sensed something about Princess Zelda! She needs our help!
*Link and Saria get up and sprint away*
If you honestly think that being malicious is a good thing and that you’re not wrong in doing so, well then your blinded by your own selfish pride.
*all offscreen, with everyone outside the viewing chamber*
Zelda: What are all these Keese doing here?!
Saria: They must've found a cave in the Lost Woods!
Link: They're coming this way!
People with common sense learn how to take responsibility for themselves and are able to admit when their wrong. I have found that many of the reviewers that have left me malicious reviews honestly believe that its appropriate behavior for an adult.
Link: We're surrounded! I can't hit all of them!
Saria: I can make a protective cage around us! Stick close to me!
*rumbling noises of roots encircling all three of them can be heard*
Link: Wow! That's incredible!
Saria: They're not growing fast enough! Ow! OW! They bite! OW!
Navi: AAAAA! HELP ME!
Zelda: They're taking Navi away!
When it really is that they are too self-absorbed in themselves to admit their wrong. Again that results from selfish pride. One to scared to admit in front of others that they just might be wrong.
Link: Stop moving around! GOTCHA!
Navi: Nice Longshot aiming! You saved me!
Saria: Run! RUN!
Also, how can any of you hold any right to call Jenna conceited when in reality, your contradicting yourself by being conceited as well? Being conceited is again selfish pride and being self-absorbed.
Link: What's up with that? Were they evil or something?!
Zelda: Oh, this is all my fault! I disturbed them!
And yes, it is and always will be a fact that most of the reviewers have been conceited and very contradictive. Please DO NOT leave me a review that only contradicts what you are trying to preach. You should in reality, take your own advice.
Navi: Oh, NO, they're coming back!
Saria: Look away! I've got them!
*A percussive metallic noise like the clash of a sword, and a flash of light causes the Keese to disperse*
Link: Wow! You didn't even have a Deku Nut!
Saria: *proudly* Never doubt the Forest Sage!
Again I find it very ridiculous that this had to be as long as it is, but it is due to the fact that people not conducting themselves appropriately. Also if I do receive any more malicious reviews, with screaming, spitting nails or ranting and raving over this story because you do not like it then are to self-absorbed to admit that acting like that is wrong, well then you have proven my point! All of this is very self-explanatory!
Now PLEASE DO NOT READ ON if you DO NOT plan on leaving me a review appropriately!
*the four return to the chamber in front of the Forest Temple entrance, roughed up but fine*
Saria: I think those Keese were trying to make their home in a cave somewhere in the Lost Woods. I have such a hard time driving them out of the Forest Temple all the time. I hate them!
Link: I know they attack passerby, but why do you hate them so much?
Saria: You know they go to the bathroom where they hang, right? Imagine that all over the Lost Woods!
Link: Eugh! I could've gone my whole career as a hero without knowing that!
[This entire sketch was done just because I couldn't stand trying to riff what amounted to Uwe Boll-style "I'm always right, the reviewers are always wrong" ranting and raving. Plus, it was a good way to show how I envisioned the Sages' powers manifesting themselves, and how Link, Saria, Navi and Zelda would act in my mind, given what sparing information we have of all of them: Navi is helpful as ever, even if she can't do much as a fairy, Zelda and Link are of course on quite good terms due to more or less being romantically involved, but Link and Saria mesh a bit better as a comedic duo since Saria has been Link's friend since Link was a child. So, generally, Zelda riffs independently and Navi makes good observations, and Link leaps naturally into jokes while Saria acts as Link's wingman and straight man, or vice-versa.]
Next time we'll actually get to the story-you know, the whole point of starting the damn riffing.